The Unspeakable Spoken

When you suffer the loss of a child, you are faced with impossible realities and unbearable choices. Ones for which you can never be fully prepared, regardless of circumstance or warning.

Only days before we lost Gibson, we were deciding which car to install the carseat in, and now, we were answering questions no parent ever wants to consider:

“How do you want to process his remains?”

“Do you want to have a funeral service?”

“When should the funeral take place?

The answer to all of the above is no. Just no. We don’t want any of it, thank you very much.

We wanted to leave the hospital with our beloved 3-day old baby. We wanted to bring him home, introduce him to his best friend Sadie, and watch him settle into the nursery we had built in love and anticipation.

That, however, was not our reality anymore. But it didn’t matter that we felt cheated. We had no choice but to begin the inevitable process.

When a loved one passes, there is often comfort found in the past, in our memories – shared laughter and love, moments of triumph and challenge, plans realized and evolved. These are the wells that we draw from during our grief.

However, for Gibson, we were left standing with hands empty. With nothing but dreams that had yet to be realized. That had been stolen away, so cruelly.

These dreams about all that Gibson would become, do, and see… were breathed into existence in our souls the moment we realized we were pregnant. And though these things were heartbreakingly never to be, I still needed a place to keep them. To bring these hopes into existence as a way to honor Gibson’s life – as a reminder that all he was supposed to be mattered.

Gibson was ours. But he also belonged to all of you. You all brought your own hopes and dreams to the table for what he would bring to the world. We realized, as we planned his service, that this work was not ours to do alone. We wanted to find a way for our community to participate in this process with us.

So I called it “Gibson’s Dream Quilt.”

During his service, we asked our community to write their dreams for Gibson (or words, traits, values they imagined he would embody) onto small quilt squares that would be combined together into a larger blanket. This would be something that Dustin and I could return to when we wanted to be near Gibson.

This past week, we received the finished quilt. I know a lot of quilts have been made in the history of time, but I truly believe this might be the most special quilt ever created.

Interwoven throughout the quilt are countless dreams and hopes – from so many different voices throughout our lives. These words honor Gibson so well. Messages of love that prove that a life cannot be measured in days alone.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. As I reflected on what I would want people to know, it’s that we need you in this process. Grieving the loss of your child is isolating. It can be difficult to talk about. It can be difficult to ask about. But it is not something that you can do alone. It’s too much to bear. We need you, our community, to help us find ways to honor and remember these precious lives.

As I read and re-read the messages you all, our community, left on these little fabric squares, I am held. Thank you for helping us through this process. There are so many precious words, but I’ve shared a few images here.

And last, but not least, a very special thank you to Debbie Maddox, the beautiful friend and artist that helped bring this quilt into existence. Words will never do justice to the gift you have given us. Much love to you, dear one.