The Unspeakable Spoken

Loss is an unfortunate reality of life and it is impossible to escape. The world ebbs and flows on the inevitable impermanence of our existence. And yet, as a society, we have always struggled to integrate grief into our daily life and practice. The more traumatic the loss (a loss that feels unfair, unimaginable, unusual, or unexpected) the more our discomfort to talk about it openly magnifies. Understandably so. Our brains are wired to look for answers, to demand justice, and to find solutions. But the truth is that, typically, a traumatic loss exposes us to our very core and leaves us at our most vulnerable. In a place where there are no easy answers and there is no quick fix. It is disconcerting to say the least. 

After the loss of our infant son, we were blessed by a community of friends and family that have been willing to step into the darkness of our journey in a holistic way. In that process, there have been countless conversations about the importance a support system plays in the healing process. I’ve been told several times that my authenticity and willingness to share has been useful for my friends and family to better understand how to be supportive.

In that spirit, I’ve been wanting to put together a guide-of-sorts for people playing a supporting role to anyone experiencing traumatic grief to help you confidently step into these difficult conversations.

“How to Support Your Loved One in Traumatic Grief”

YOU WON’T ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT: And that’s ok! Personally, I would rather a person try to express their support and fumble through the initial awkwardness rather than unintentionally create a giant, bumbling elephant in the room. Intention, and being honest and open, is key. If you don’t know what to say, say that! The truth is that there is nothing that you can say or do to change the reality of our pain. It’s all about making sure the person knows you are present in a safe, authentic, and judgement-free way. 

EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY: You’ve heard it said a million times, but it’s true. Everyone grieves differently. What works exactly best for me, may need adaptation for another. This does not mean that you should shy away from offering support simply because you do not yet know what will be most helpful to a person. It just means that you’ll need to approach each person with open arms, in a spirit of learning, to adapt to their needs. Keep in mind that traumatic loss often layers in additional issues like PTSD or other complex mental health challenges on top of the traditional grieving experience. All that to say, it’s important to understand that there could be more going on than even that which is obvious to you. 

WE ARE ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT IT: I’ve often heard people say that they didn’t speak up or ask questions because they were afraid of making it harder for me by reminding me of my loss. While the sentiment is entirely understandable, let me assure you that I am thinking about the loss of my son all the time. There is never a day, rarely a moment, when it is not in my mind. I am always managing those emotions. Sometimes, simply having the permission and safety to express those thoughts out loud is a gift. Admittedly, not everyone who is hurting is as ready to share openly. However, I will say that you will never know what IS helpful to your loved one if you do not jump over the hurdle of being afraid to mention their loss. 

CONSISTENCY IS ESSENTIAL: I cannot tell you what it has meant to me when people consistently show up. That doesn’t mean we always have to talk about loss. It just means that a person has made their presence viscerally known and their offer is always on the table. On the good days and the bad days, they put themselves in front of us regularly to remind us they are available and thinking of us. This makes me feel surrounded and not forgotten. This is especially important after a bit of time has gone by and the influx of initial support may have waned.

ASSUME A POSTURE OF LEARNING: If you have not experienced a similar type of loss, the best approach is to assume that you know nothing about how the person may be feeling. Try to avoid language that compares or attempts to convince a griever that you already understand their pain. While well-intended, you could unknowingly minimize their pain and create a sense of frustration that results in a resistance to open up any further. Instead, ask how they are feeling and allow them the opportunity to share their story and loss if they so desire. Focus on acknowledging how difficult it must be for them and offer validation for the feelings they express.   

YOU DON’T NEED ANSWERS: When we were traveling in Palestine, a region sadly familiar with trauma and heartache, something stood out in many conversations I observed. When a discussion centered on grief, pain, or trauma, the listener often did not immediately speak in response to those sharing their story. Instead, their first reaction would be to make a quiet repetitive sound with their mouth accompanied by a shake of their head in disbelief. But rarely did they rush for words. After seeing this occur a few times, I asked my local friend about it. She explained that it was a signal and recognition of the immense pain being shared interwoven with a deeply cultural understanding that there are often no words which can do justice to this type of tragedy. Tragedies are full of complex emotions and pains. The tendency can be to reach for simple answers or oft-heard platitudes, instead of being willing to just quietly sit in our loved ones discomfort and pain, sharing their burden. 

GET COMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE: Sometimes people will ask me questions that I need a minute to process before I can answer. There’s a lot swirling around in there. This silence has been interpreted multiple ways. In some cases, people assume that I must not want to talk about it and try to shift topics. At other times, people become nervous about the silence and try to fill the void by answering their own question with how they assume I’m feeling. Both reactions are understandable, but I would encourage you to set aside any discomfort with silence to allow your grieving loved one a moment to process what they need to say. Space is a gift when the emotions are complicated.

BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR LOVE: In the midst of all the intense emotions, lead your conversations with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. There may be things said in the heat of the moment that are not meant as harshly or as insensitively as they may seem. Assume the best of your loved ones and give them the space to also make mistakes as they try to grapple with all that they are facing. The perspective hard-earned through tragedy is one that bring appreciation for the things that matter the most in your life, but it’s not always easy to remember that in the midst of such acute pain. 

Phrases to Avoid: 

• “Everything is going to be okay.” 
• “Everything happens for a reason.” 
• “So and so had this experience and said…”
• “I know how you must feel.”
• “I imagine that you feel _______.“ 
• “You’ll see that _______ will happen.” 
• “There is a bigger plan.”
• “Things will look up from here.”

Phrases To Incorporate: 

• “How are you feeling?”
• “How can I best support you?” 
• “I’m so sorry, that seems difficult to carry.” 
• “It must take a lot of courage to face all of that.” 
• “Is it helpful to talk about it? Is it helpful for me to mention your loved one or acknowledge certain milestones?”
• “I’m willing to listen if you’d ever like to share your story.” 
• “How is this impacting you right now?” 

This list is based on my own personal experience. I will be the first to say that I am still learning to implement these principles as I support others. I’m grateful to everyone who has exhibited these impressive qualities on our loss journey. I hope to learn from you and one day be as able to offer this kind of emotional support to others in turn.

In the end, just remember that it is the spirit in which you approach these conversations that is the most central component. As part of a support system, you are offering your loved one an essential element of their long journey toward healing. I hope that these suggestions can inspire confidence as you step into this oh-so-important space.